Treasure of Matecumbe

 Jordan Bradt:  I love old movies, so as I was scrolling Disney+, this one popped up.  My son was actually interested, so we started it.  He was enthralled the entire time.  I was, too.  I LOVE movies about the Civil War era.  

Oh man, did this one have it all.  The movie took off and it kept going right up until the end.  Adventure after adventure went BAM in your face.  Some highlights for me--

1. The opening music is quite 70s.  Love it.

2. Ben wants to go get the treasure.  The Yankees kill Ben.  Um, why?  They thought Ben knew where the treasure was.  Why would you kill him and not take him captive?

3. The plantation they need to save with the treasure is called Grassy.  Yes, Grassy.  That seemed like such a weird name.  Every time they said it, it rubbed me the wrong way.

4. I didn't really get Davie's home life.  Where were Mom and Dad?  I didn't get the family dynamics.  I thought one of the women at the beginning was his mom, but I guess they were his aunts?

5. I was not expecting the Klu Flux Klan and the lynching! 

6. Uncle Jim was supposed to be this total rogue.  I don't get why he was being attacked by the KKK.  Throughout the movie, he was kind and noble.  He never did anything to give him that reputation. Lauriette was more of a rogue than he was.

7. I was thinking Lauriette was going to be a bad guy, but she turned out to be strong and noble too.  I was glad she got with Uncle Jim.  

8. Dr. Snodgrass was the voice of Prince John in Robin Hood, one of my favorite Disney cartoons!

Jumping Ship

Stephanie Bradt: Horse Sense must have done well enough for the Disney Channel, as its sequel, Jumping Ship, was released two years later in 2001. This time, all three Lawrence Brothers star. Tommy is still caring for the horses on the family ranch and missing his deceased father, now with the added drama of Mark, his mother’s new love interest. Mark seems like a nice guy, but Tommy wants nothing to do with him because he does not want anyone to replace his dad. Meanwhile back in California, Michael is still a lazy, but loveable dirtbag. We first see him wading in his family’s swimming pool as his father implores him to get a job. One of the things Michael is spending his Daddy’s money on is his upcoming trip to Australia with Tommy.

Things don’t start out great in Australia. Michael thinks he rented a yacht but is surprised and disappointed to find that the Tiffany is a crappy old boat. Its captain is Jake Hunter, played by the long-lost middle Lawrence brother, Matthew! Anyway, while Michael putters around as his snobby-Michael self, Tommy and Jake bond. Then Michael finally realizes that he was pickpocketed and does not have the money to pay for the boat, which causes even more tension between him and Jake. 

It seems like this is already the vacation from hell, but all this drama takes a back seat when, cue Jack Sparrow’s theme, three Australian pirates try to take over the ship. Yes, it turns out the pickpocketer is also part of a pirate. The Lawrence brothers need to work together to out-run and out-smart the pirates and get home safely.

• I wasn’t a fan of this movie. I usually love stuff with deserted island survival, but I had no need for the extreme Disney corniness of the goofy Australian pirates, random crocodile, and crazy emu. 
• This time, the brothers are credited as Joseph, Matthew, and Andrew instead of Joey and Andy from the last movie. They clearly mean business with this one. Some serious thespians right there.
• Matthew portrays Jake Hunter in this movie, fresh off his stint on Boy Meets World playing Jack Hunter.
• I vaguely remember when they were advertising this movie on the Disney Channel. I kept understanding the phrase "jumping ship" as a ship that was jumping. Not that there are people who are jumping ship, as the saying goes. I don't know. The jury is out on if I was a moron or not. 
• I prefer the more character-driven Horse Sense, as Jumping Ship relied more on high stakes action and Disney danger. But maybe I am just old. 
• Disney is clearly highlighting the shirtless Lawrence boys. I feel like that drove the decision to set half of this film on a tropical island.
• Why are the pirates so obsessed with these guys in particular? I know they were after Michael’s family’s money, but really? There is no one else to prey on? And I thought the open sea was a pirate’s home field advantage; continuing their terrorism on a mysterious island just seems like a lot of work. I feel like it would have been more worth their time if they had waited until Michael went home and then emailed him as a Nigerian prince. I think they would have been successful, as Michael is not the brightest crayon in the box. 
• Once again Michael’s “redemption” has me scratching my head. After the boys thwart the pirates and escape to the safety of the Australian mainland, Michael is like “hey guys, I used our reward money to buy the pirates’ boat! We own a charter company now!” Just like in Horse Sense, where Michael “helps” by shoving the ranch that Aunt Jules doesn’t want back in her face, he unilaterally decides that the three of them, who live in different parts of the world, are going into business together. Not to mention he met Jake like five minutes ago. Or that four minutes ago, Jake told him that he doesn’t even like working 

Jordan Bradt: I really liked Horse Sense.  This one?  Not so much.  It was nice as a family movie.  I guess.  My son was bored through the whole thing, but he's 3.  I was also bored during some parts and I'm 32.  

• What was up with the pirates?  They were quite classy looking.  Are pirates always that clean?  Why are there always pirates in these movies?  I know that was tjhe point of the movie, but how common are pirates in real life?
• Clearly Joey learned nothing in the first movie.  He was just as shallow.  I would have liked to see more character development.  He was on his phone for the first half ignoring his poor cousin - again.  The ending too was dumb.  He never learned anything.  He just jumps into things.  Heh, "jumping ship."
• Jake was blah.  I didn't get him.  He was pretty rude through the entire movie, and I don't think they deserved it.  I get that Joey was kind of a jerk, but he was also misled.  Jake could have been a lot nicer.  They were his customers.  The tension between them seemed needless.  Jake also seemed pretty young to man his own boat, even though we do get some backstory for the character.  
• I thought the kid's name was Ben up until the end.  His name was Tommy.  He explains about the ranch he and his mom work now, without owning it, and he didn't sound happy.  I don't think Joey's plan in Horse Sense was good at all.
• Why exactly did Jake have to abandon the?  Why didn't he think the pirates would see them on the deserted island?  Wouldn't it have been better to not get off onto the deserted island?  Then again, I'm not a boat captain, so I don't know.
• Maybe this was more of a boy movie?  
• Joey had really good cell service out in the ocean surrounding Australia.  
• Are you supposed to put on so many seasick patches?

Brink!

Stephanie Bradt: Andy “Brink” Brinker is the title character of the 1998 DCOM, Brink! He is played by Erik Von Detten, apparently Disney’s go-to for a stereotypical California boy, just like the one he plays in The Princess Diaries three years later. Brink is a skater boy who likes to use made up words such as “chornage,” which is Skater Boy for “chores.” Brink and his friends call themselves “soul skaters,” but Brink is the only one who seems to have the annoying California voice, hair, and mannerisms.

The rivals of the soul skaters are Val and his Team X-Bladz, mean skaters who have a sponsorship (of course). Brink is a good person, but he kind of sells out to join Team X-Bladz for $200 a week. He wants to make it big in skating because he wants an identity, but he also has the sympathetic motivation of fixing his family’s financial woes. Brink is further alienated from his friends when one of his group gets hurt due to Val cheating during a race. Brink feels bad and has a heart to heart with his dad and decides to go back to skating for the right reasons. His dramatic exit from Team X-Bladz consists of throwing milkshake into Val’s face, because Disney. Brink makes it up to his team and once again joins them to compete against Team X-Bladz. Of course, the games culminate in a final, dangerous downhill race: Val vs. Brink. And of course, Val is a jerk and tries to cheat his way to victory, but Brink and company come out on top, while Val’s douchey antics are caught on camera. 

Brink! had pretty good sports action, as well as some wholesome moments. It has a good message of friendship with the good guys ending up happy and the bad guys getting what they deserve. In other words, a solid Disney Channel Original Movie.

Some other thoughts:

• According to Wikipedia, this movie is loosely based on a novel an 1865 novel about a Dutch speedskater named Hans Brinker! Where has this book been all my life?!
• The banker from Horse Sense and Even Stevens dad, is now a boring science teacher. This guy might be in every Disney thing ever.
• I liked the dad because he was funny and sarcastic, but still a good dad. I shared his frustration with his son’s poor use of the English language. 
• This is yet another movie where schoolkids have a sponsorship. Kids watching these movies back in the day must have thought that this is something common or easy to achieve.
• Brink is 110% California surfer/skater/valley dude, yet his friends seem quite nerdy other than the whole skater thing.
• I loved the melodrama when Gabriella got hurt. When Brink visits her to apologize, she is in bed in her dark bedroom in a deep depression. She took a bad spill onto the pavement, but really? Now she is bed-ridden? She’s not dying. And then like five minutes later, she is back to competing like nothing ever happened.

Jordan Bradt:  It took me forever to watch this movie, because my son instantly hated it.  He's 3, and I guess rollerblades aren't his thing yet.  I had to watch it in small increments with him, and eventually he wandered off.  He missed out on the end.  Oh well.

This was another solid DCOM.  It had some good values regarding friendship, honesty, and family relationships.  The dad and Bring didn't get along, but Dad kept trying to connect with Brink.  We got to understand Dad's reasoning.  He wasn't one-dimensional.  Their relationship was realistic.

I only had a few issues:

• How easy is it to get a sponsorship?  It basiclaly fell into Brink's lap.  Is that common for teenagers?  
• Why was Bring the only guy to talk like that?  It felt weird.  They were in California, and it would have felt more well-rounded if at least one other person talked like that.
• The Soul Skaters were jerks to people around them.  Jumping over diners?  Ruining their food?  They were great skaters, but not the best of people.  
• Like what Stephanie said above, Gabriella's accident was weird.  She got hurt.  It looked painful.  Did she need to be bedridden?  She got right back up!  

Smart House

Stephanie Bradt: I had the privilege of re-watching Smart House (1999) and I was relieved to find that I still like it. It is still in my top 3 DCOMs. This is also probably the one I remember best so either it really made that much of an impression on me when I was a youngster or I watched it 37 times. Or both. 

So I press “Play” and I’m watching the opening titles and WHAT?! Apparently LeVar Burton directed this film. I even checked to confirm that it was that LeVar Burton. I didn’t know he even know he directed movies. So right off the bat, I like this movie even more now compared to 20+ years ago, which I don’t think ever happens. Anyway, we open with the ubiquitous DCOM star Ryan Merriman as Ben and his cute and sassy little sister (check), who also played the cute and sassy little sister in Brink. We also learn that the mom is no longer living (check). 

Ben misses his mom and is very protective of the family staying the way it is, so he is being a—I won’t use the vulgar term that I’m thinking of right now, but Ben is doing his best to sabotage any potential dates his father might have by tying up the phone line all hours of the night with his web-surfing. (Dial-up; how quaint). He enters a contest and is awarded the title “Smart House,” a big cool house run by artificial intelligence (call her Pat). Pat is basically the Siri or Alexa before their time. As with many other stories involving robots, Pat gets out of hand and we learn once again that technology can be scary and that in a family, you just can’t replace human beings.

More thoughts:

• We get a lot of 1999 technology action between the old school instant messaging, entering contests via “electronic mail,” and letting the house phone’s answering machine pick up the call when you’re on your way out.
• I was pleased to see that they live in a normal-ish, somewhat modest and less extravagant house than people normally do in these movies, but I guess that was just so that it could be a better contrast to their eventual Smart House. Why bother winning a house that is less awesome and cool than the one you’re already living in?
• The music! Even over 20 years later, the stupid “Jump, jump, the house is jumping” song is branded into my brain. I can’t think of this movie without thinking of that song and being transported back to 1999. And yes, I had that B*Witched CD back in the day. Not to mention the score—they took the mockingbird song and made it totally creepy as Pat got creepier.
• The floor absorbers are introduced in the beginning of the movie, but then later on when Pat helps the kids clean up by using the floor absorbers, they are like “Wow!” Um, you knew about this already…
• I forgot all the little romance stuff but I enjoyed it
• Ben and his friends perform a little dance routine while watching a concert video (“kick-butt video screen). Even then, I wondered: Do 13-year-old boys even like, much less have a choreographed dance to, boy bands?
• I thought everything is better now because Pat won’t go rogue and mess with their lives anymore. Yet she slips chocolate chips into their pancakes at the end! First it’s chocolate chips; next it will be like arsenic or something. We’ve seen how scary and powerful is capable of being! I’m just being paranoid? Okay.

Jordan Bradt: I remember this being a good movie from my childhood.  Not a favorite, but good.  I watched if there was nothing else on.  This time around, it was still a solid movie, but the characters didn't really grow or learn anything.  It was more about being a preteen's dream. 

1) As a kid, I thought the features of the house were wicked cool.  As a 32-year-old woman, they com with a lot of questions.  Where does the garbage go when its absorbed into the floor?  Its creepy how much the house can tell from a blood sample and breathalyzer.  The government could hack into that and know way too much about you.   Also, how does the smart house get the groceries it uses to make all the food?

2) If the house can tell you how to better play basketball, can it also tell you how to have better sex?  I would never want to have sex in this house.

3) What does the dad do for a living that he can pay the taxes on the smart house and afford to keep their old house?

4) I would have liked it if they had no real choice except to move into the smart house.  Like, they were about to lose their apartment to the building of a new hospital...or they needed a bigger house...or their house was falling down.

5) Dad was just plain horny.  He didn't know anything about Sarah, at first, except that she was hot.  He just wanted to get in her pants through the entire movie. 

6) The bully demands Ben to do his homework before lunch...but then Ben doesn't give it to him until the following day.

7) In the beginning, Dad is shown as being a doting father, but he never knew about the bully?  Even Ben acts surprised that Dad didn't know he was being bullied.

8) The house came fully furnished...even with furniture for a teenage boy and preteen girl?  Did the house materialize the furniture?

9) When images are displayed across the walls, where do the pictures and posters go?

10) How does the golf ball disappear into the wall one minute and the next golf ball ricochets around the house?

11) How many days have gone by?  Ben never brought his friends over to the house?  The friends, who knew all about Ben winning the smart house, didn't know it was a smart house?

12) If Pat is in maternal mode, why does she throw Ben a rave?  What kind of "good" mother does that?  She learned from watching vintage sitcoms, and I'm pretty sure June Cleaver never threw the Beaver a rave. 

Overall, it is a good preteen movie, and the ending was nice. 

Motorcrossed

Stephanie Bradt: Our next film was Motocrossed (2001). I can’t help but wonder: Was this always that bad? Am I just an old grouch now? This was one of my favorite DCOMs growing up. I have always enjoyed plots involving women trying to make their way in a man’s world. Girl Power movies. I also remember thinking the boys were cute. Andrew and Andrea Carson are twins who love Motocross.

Unfortunately, their dad is, at best, “old-fashioned,” therefore only Andrew is allowed to participate in competitions. The dad is as competitive with his son’s racing (which is also part of the family business) as he is fiercely protective of his daughter. So, Andrew is the one who is going to race in the tournament to hopefully win a sponsorship for the family. When Andrew (should I call them Andy and Andi?) is injured during practice, it seems all is lost, but wait! It turns out if Andi cuts her hair and dons sunglasses, she is unrecognizable as the fairer sex. Here is Andi’s chance to finally race with the big boys. Eventually her brothers and then her mother find out, but they sympathize with her and recognize that she is the better racer, so they help hide the ruse. Eventually, the secret gets out, but by then everyone is inspired by Andi and on her side and everyone is happy.

 Some of my thoughts:
 • Andrew and Andrea? Andy and Andi? Really?
 • The use of another popular plot point: the disguise that seems to fool everyone except the viewer. Just like how Superman and Clark Kent look absolutely nothing alike because Clark wears glasses and Superman does not. I had trouble getting past it this time around.
 • I always thought the love interest and the twin brother looked alike, which is super weird
 • The French kid that is supposed to race in her place is such an over the top, snobby European movie villain. He is best described by Andy and Andi’s fun little brother: “You think, like, anyone in France actually misses him?”
 • The dad is kind of emotionally abusive to Andi—he blames her for her brother’s injury. He tells her that he wants her to “start concentrating on things a 15-year-old girl should be concentrating on!” (Which is what? Make-up? Boys? You’d think the dad would be happy his daughter has a hobby she is passionate about). He also makes her give up her bedroom, out of the entire rest of the house, for French Jerk! And then even when father and daughter make up at the end, he tells her that, in fact, he always wanted a daughter instead of a son…because then he wouldn’t have to worry about her doing motocross and getting hurt. (!)
 • The love interest is instantly attracted to Andi when he meets her as Andi, even though she doesn’t look that different from Andi as Andy. And then when he finds out Andy is Andi, he gets over it quickly and the flirting commences.
 • It just ended too neatly. The whole family was pretty deceptive, and everyone was automatically okay with it.


Jordan Bradt:  This was my movie back in the day!  It made me, a total girly-girl, want to get into dirt bike racing.  I remember telling my parents I wanted a dirt bike.  They were all for it and I was so excited.  Of course, nothing ever came of that.

I wanted to love this movie so much.  My three-year-old walked out after 5 minutes, so I watched it alone, and...well...I didn't like it so much.

How did they afford that huge house, pool, and all that land if Dad had quit his job and Mom didn't work?  They didn't have the sponsorship yet.

Would the sponsorship really have given them enough money to continue their lifestyle that way?

The beginning of the movie made it sound as if Dad never let Andrea race...so how was she so good?

Mom was such a weakling in the beginning.  I hated how meek she was whenever Dad went on a tirade.  She sort of got a backbone at the end, but the relationship didn't feel healthy.

Dean is AMAZING.  He is my new favorite DCOM crush.  He and Andrea worked so well together, and they supported each other 100%.  I want a sequel where they are raising their kids to be motocross stars.

I appreciated that Andrea didn't win her first races.  The way she fumbled was so realistic.  The others racers were realistic too, and I liked the feminism of the movie.  It was done in a tasteful way.

The ending brought back all the warm excitement I'd felt watching it as a kid.  For a second, I even wanted to get into motocross again, haha!

Would I watch it again right away?  I would.  Do I recommend it for preteens?  Definitely.

Horse Sense

If you were like us, you grew up glued to the TV screen every so often to catch the latest DCOM.  You know they were awesome and the highlight of your life.  You went to school afterwards unable to talk about anything else.

We decided to re-watch some of our favorites to see how they held up to our memories.  First up - Horse Sense!

Stephanie Bradt: To begin our nostalgic journey through some of the Disney Channel Original Movie (DCOM) repertoire, we started with the 1999 movie, Horse Sense. It stars Joey and Andy Lawrence, two of the three Lawrence brothers who I remember being popular at the time. This movie came out after all three brothers starring in the sitcom Brotherly Love together. We begin with Tommy (Andy Lawrence) departing his Montana home to visit his cousin, Michael (Joey Lawrence), in Los Angeles. Tommy’s mother thinks this trip will be good for Tommy, whose father had recently passed away. Michael is a stereotypically spoiled and preppy rich kid who has never worked a day in his life. He has an extremely annoying girlfriend, who is basically a walking caricature of a valley girl.

Throughout Tommy’s visit, Michael is a jerk and neglects his cousin in favor of his irritating girlfriend. Tommy returns home to Montana after a couple weeks of watching movies by himself all day long. Tommy has an opportunity for revenge when he gets to return the favor: Michael’s parents send him to Montana to learn to be a good person and not a dirt bag. The ensuing plot is Michael learning the value of hard work while bonding with only-child Tommy as Tommy comes to terms with his father’s death. Horse Sense was a decent, wholesome family movie. It had your classic country life vs. city life conflict, as well as the “Oh no, we’re going to lose the ranch to foreclosure!” storyline. Throw in the obligatory dead-parent narrative, and you’ve got yourself a DCOM. A lot of it was cliché, but everything is tied up nicely, which I always appreciate in a movie.

 Some of my thoughts:
• This whole being-exiled-to-a-family-member’s-house-as-punishment thing seems to happen a lot in books and movies and I always wonder, who is punishing whom? Michael’s parents raised a brat so instead of actually parenting, they decide to pawn him off on Aunt Jules instead?! Also, Michael is a jerk so his punishment is to go to a ranch in Montana? I feel like that is insulting to the people who live there. The place isn’t prison, jeez.
 • Haha, Michael and his girlfriend had to celebrate their two week anniversary (did I hear that right?) • Tommy’s very respectful, Disney-approved line during his big argument with Michael: “I don’t like or respect you!”
 • Why was Matthew, the middle Lawrence brother, not in this movie? Maybe he was tied up with his work on Boy Meets World?
• Michael’s girlfriend. For some reason she has a perpetually bizarre look on her face—it is hard to explain; basically, she never closes her mouth
• The only glaring/entertaining time this movie really showed its age were a couple scenes with a flip phone (and the fact that Michael was fancy for having one) and the brilliant green screen—I mean, night sky—scene with the excessively bright and large shooting star.

Jordan Bradt: I went in thinking this would be incredibly cheesy.  My three-year-old son hated it and wandered off after the first 10 minutes.  However, I still enjoyed it!  It is by no means my favorite movie, and I'm not sure I would watch it again anytime soon, but I found it hard to pick it apart.

The characters were solid.  To be honest, I don't remember the little boy's name, but I GOT HIM.  His dad just died.  He's hurting.  At the family reunion, he had a good time with his cool older cousin.  He decides to go visit said cooler older cousin, and when the older cousin doesn't live up to his expectations, he retaliates in a healthy, youthful way.

The older cousin, Michael, is realistic too.  He's in college, has a new girlfriend, and the last thing he wants is to hang out with a little kid.  When he gets to the ranch, his actions and disgusts are realistic, and he learns to love the ranch.  He becomes a hard worker his parents can be proud of.

Even the resolution at the end worked for me.  Michael laid out his proposition in a business sense that worked for the bank, and he pointed out the other failing ranches in the area.  It wasn't some miraculous cure-all.

I only had a few issues, but they didn't detract from my enjoyment.

1) Gina, the girlfriend, was supposed to be a bad guy, but I got her too.  She was used to the superficial world.  She wasn't exactly leading Michael down the wrong path and she never did anything malicious.

2) However...Michael just didn't work for me with Gina.  I wanted Michael to find a girl on the ranch, and when he didn't, I was disappointed.  I get that it isn't a love story, but I wanted that for him.

3) The aunt didn't seem to even want the ranch anymore.  I got the feeling it hurt her too much to live there.  She could have taken money from her sister and paid it back.  She seemed to know the ranch would never make it, but she kept stringing her workers and son along as if she was trying.  Maybe this is unfair of me.  The movie said she had too much pride to take the money.  If she really wanted to save the ranch for her son, wouldn't she have accepted the loan from Michael's family?

Lush

Jordan Bradt: Intended for 7th graders.

Oh. My. Gosh. How? What? Why? I was so mad I tossed the book on the floor.

Girl with big boobs is constantly terrorized by her male classmates in front of her teachers. The teachers do nothing or tell her to be silent. They steal her bra at one point so other boys can look at it. This is announced in a classroom and the teacher tells them to quiet down. That's it.

Girl's father is an alcoholic. The book stresses that it is important for the girl and her brother to support their dad no matter what.

Girl's mom sees nothing wrong with dad's drinking and constantly enables him. There is actually no good female role model in the book. Girl's grandmother teaches her to keep the drinking a secret. Girl's mom turns to yoga to deal...and that makes everything all better.

Dad BEATS THE 4-YEAR-OLD BOY WITH A WHISKEY BOTTLE. Dad goes to rehab for 28 days. That's it. The boy needs RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY!!! He has a nasty scar. The dad isn't even questioned by police. After rehab, the girl and her brother forgive the dad and welcome him home. She hopes he doesn't do anything like that abuse again.

Girl (age 13) goes to a party and is almost raped by 3 boys (age 17). She is embarrassed and goes home, and learns to deal with it. Basically the almost-rape is her fault because she was drinking like her dad. Um...gang rape? Statutory rape? No biggie - it was her fault. She brought it on herself, clearly. She tells her mom and her mom just lets it go. She tells her male friend and he gets mad, and she tells him to let it go, so he does...because almost getting raped is no biggie, right?

Her bestest of the best friends turn against her at the slightest thing (her blowing them off to go to the party). They forgive her. All is peachy keen. Throughout the book they are shown as being wishy-washy, and that is how a best friend should act, apparently.

This book...it has made me so angry.

BOSTON JACKY

This is Book 11. Click here for the Bradt Cousins' review of Book One.

Stephanie Bradt: It’s that time of year again. Another chapter of Jacky Faber’s adventures has been released and it is time for yours truly to lambast, um, I mean, review it. I realize that my reviews are more like diatribes, so I will try to be a little nicer this time around.

I’ll start by just getting it out of the way. As always, there is no point to this book and nothing happens. With that being said, I’ll just list random moments that made me say, as Jacky does, “hmmmm."

I still love the ever-present historical references. Sure, at times they are random and far-fetched, but these books are really what got me into historical fiction again. As long as you mentally prepare yourself for randomness and do not take it too seriously, then it’s all good. 

• I really liked all the talk of the different fire companies and how they competed over being able to put out a fire so they could make money. This also alluded to the history of insurance, which today is still called “fire” insurance when referring to the protection of buildings and property. As someone who briefly worked rating commercial insurance policies, I enjoyed and appreciated the reference.
• Two people were caught having sex outside. (Of course. This is a children's book, after all). In Othello, Shakespeare writes a euphemism for having sex, calling it “making the beast with two backs.”
• People sing La Bamba. I loved seeing the lyrics all written out. I never knew that it was actually a folk song before it was adapted into the 1950s song that most people know. I looked it up and it has maritime origins. Cool beans. I am really interested in the history of this song now.

I love that Jacky basically acknowledges that she is not that hot and sexy and irresistible after all. She mentions that as soon as he saw Clarissa Worthington Howe, Flaco Jimenez (yes, he is back) forgot about Jacky. Likewise, Randall dumped Jacky for Polly Von while Richard Allen likes this chick named Sidrah better than Jacky. Just as I’ve always said—Jacky is only a bombshell when she has no competition. On the other hand, I do enjoy the story of Amy and Ezra and I would like to see more of them. I think it is because Amy and Ezra have more of a gradual and (extremely) slow-burning romance that is a little more pure and sincere, a little less neurotic.

Also, I love the Easter eggs I discover in these books. They make me feel smart. This time, I noticed that the Mrs. Shinn in the book seems an awful lot like the Mrs. Shinn in The Music Man. Hmmmm.

This book's featured side in Jacky’s love dodecagon: There wasn't really anyone new, per se. A lot of the old lovers kind of came and went
My favorite new character: No one? I guess there were a few new characters, but no one was really important. So I'll say YAY, LIAM DELANEY CAME BACK! I love the Irish people. 

FLASH FIRE

Jordan Bradt: I discovered another great find from the library’s used bookroom: FLASH FIRE by Caroline B. Cooney.  I liked the look of it because I usually enjoy her books, but the cover also hooked me.  Fire licks at the sidelines while a boy and girl run down the center of a road.  The curly-haired boy has his backpack and his camera.  The girl carries a shirt, a school binder, a kitten, and a trophy. 

As soon as I started reading this book, I knew I would have to share it with you.  California is the setting; the book’s copyright is 1995, so I assume it takes place then.  They mention email, and I don’t remember having email back then, but I was seven, so I liked dolls more than sending electronic mail. 

Danna is young girl living in a ritzy neighborhood.  Parts of Los Angeles, a different area than hers, are on fire.  Danna is safe, but she wants excitement, so she wishes for the fire.  She wants to ride her cats out to safety.  Yes, I think that’s what the confusing paragraph stated.  Then, there’s her brother, Hall, who is out swimming even though the ashes in the air make it hard to breathe.  I bet that’s good for his lungs.  Their parents are screenwriters, but Hall wants to help mentally/psychologically damaged children.  He’s afraid that career won’t be appropriate.  Right now he’s helping the neighbors’ four-year-old “son,” a little boy adopted from overseas.  He doesn’t react to things well, so his new family dislikes him.  They also have issues with the nanny, who ignores him to run off with the family money and cars.  They also have a maid who sold herself to get to America and smokes a lot.  Continuing through the neighborhood, we meet Beau and his little sister, Elisabeth.  Her mother is horrified by everything about her and constantly makes fun of her.  Beau is pretty unmemorable, apart from craving attention from his dad.  Oh, and then there is the son who’s ashes are kept in a box on the mantle (I think.  They’re somewhere in the house haunting the living half-brother).  We also meet (as if we don’t have enough characters to keep track of) a disgruntled guard who leaves his post without caring if the gate opens, the fire itself, and tourists who want to watch the “big” houses burn.  I actually enjoyed getting into the fire’s “mind” because it was a different perspective than in most stories.

Spoiler alert: Although it was a little slow in coming – most of the story is set up for when Danna’s neighborhood burns – eventually the fire does reach them.  The maid, Elony, grabs the “damaged” little boy.  Beau and Elisabeth escape in a car.  Danna saves the horses, but breaks her leg, so Hall carries her and her box of kittens.  Beau and Elisabeth appear in their car, so Danna and Hall get in, along with Elony and little Geoffrey – and the kittens, of course, who get loose and scatter around the car.  Beau realizes he can’t leave his brother’s ashes behind, so he flees from the car to go back into the mansion.  Hall is forced to drive away to save everyone else, even though Elisabeth panics.  Eventually, Elisabeth recovers enough that she and Elony pray for Beau, and she wants one of the kittens.  The author expertly describes Beau’s thought process as he dies of smoke inhalation.  She also describes how his house melts around him.  Yeah, he doesn’t make it.  Beau had been my favorite of the characters because he’d seemed the realest. 

We’re now at the end of the book.  The tourists stealing from everyone are caught by the police.  The fire has more or less moved on.  I had difficulty picturing the scene where Hall drives to meet the people.  Where was the fire?  What did the surroundings look like?  Beau’s parents are there; his dad hitched a ride with a trucker and his mom ran.  Realizing Beau is gone, the mom breaks down in hysterics and has to be tranquilized.  The dad tells Elisabeth he loves her, decides to take in Elony so she can be Elisabeth’s friend, and buys everyone ice cream from the ice cream truck.  Yes, there is an ice cream truck here at this site of fire (or whatever this setting is) and yes, the dad realizes his son is dead so he buys them ice cream to eat. 

Some aspects of this book reminded me of a Judy Blume novel, but I rate it a lot higher than anything I’ve read by her.  FLASH FIRE involved character development (gasp) and vivid descriptions of fires in California.  I couldn’t decide what rating to give it on GoodReads, since parts were good and parts were outrageous.  At first I debated on three stars, due to the mixed feelings, but it did keep me reading past midnight since I needed to know what happened next.  Then, I though four stars, but the story had stuck with me.  It made me look around my house and think about people who lose everything in flash fires.  Their houses didn’t just burn.  They melted.  It wasn’t just the house, either.  It was the yard, the outbuildings, the tennis courts… Okay, I don’t have tennis courts.  Still, personal possessions don’t mean anything if you lose your life, so I began cleaning out things I don’t want anymore.  I ended up granting the novel five stars because it has, in a way, changed my life.

Radio Rebel

Jordan Bradt: Picture me, eating lunch.  I sit down in the living room to watch television while I snack on macaroni and cheese.  I feel like nonsense, so I turn to Disney where I observe Radio Rebel.  It’s a half-hour in, but as I watch, I make a list of all the ways the shows Tells me things instead of Showing, of how much I loathe the ridiculous, overdramatic characters.  With a movie that outrageous, I give in to the compulsion and inform Stephanie of the outrageousness.  We decided to watch it again, together.

Radio Rebel is a movie aimed at teenagers.  A shy girl, Tara, starts a podcast as Radio Rebel, where she’s able to be herself and inspire others.  Her stepfather owns a radio station, so he gives her some air time.

I’ll start with the ways things are Told and now Shown:

1.       Tara is shy.  Everyone, including her dearest family and friends, throw that fact in her face.  You might say that was Shown when she freaked out in class.  No, that wasn’t being shy.  That was suffering from mutism or anxiety.  In the opinion of someone with a teaching degree (or anyone with common sense), Tara needs serious medical assistance.  She should’ve been seeing a therapist or psychologist.  I’m not a huge fan of medicating people, but she should’ve been doing SOMETHING!

2.       Radio Rebel is sooo inspiring.  Come on, people.  Radio Rebel DOES NOTHING.  She says something like “be yourself” and everyone is uber inspired.   Um, really?  That’s all it takes to inspire someone?  “Be yourself!”  It seemed like no one had ever heard that it was okay to be an individual.  Just by watching television or reading a book, you can see that.  Even adults in the movie were inspired!  It wasn’t just “be yourself.”  You should also stand up for yourself.  Wow.  Thank you, Radio Rebel.  I never knew I shouldn’t let people walk all over me. 

3.       The principal has favorites.  This fact was never shown, apart from her being kind to one student who supported her cause.  Anyone who supported the cause would’ve been treated kindly.

4.       Music is bad at school.  How do we know music is bad?  They say so. 

5.       Radio Rebel goes to Tara’s high school.  They say they know, but never really show it.

6.       Prom is AMAZING.  We must LOVE Prom.  We love it so much that we can turn against Radio Rebel when she makes the principal cancel it.

7.       The principal can expel Radio Rebel.  WHY?  Radio Rebel did her thing outside of school.  It is never properly explained, just meant raise weaknesses. 

How about for some cliché characters?

Tara – shy, awkward, wears a hat when insecure, tugs on her sleeves to hide her hands.  There was nothing else to Tara except for being shy and acting as Radio Rebel.  Couldn’t she have had a hobby too?

Tara’s Mom – flighty, fashion-conscious, self-absorbed, obsessed with prom.  She never made an intelligent statement.  I felt bad for moms everywhere.

Awkward friends – two friends who have no real purpose.  Not a love interest, rather annoying.  I only remember the taller boy was named Larry because that’s my dad’s name.

Best friend – the awesome best friend who supports Tara in everything.  Her name was Audrey Sharma.  I remember that because I went to high school with a girl whose last name was Sharma. 

The guy she likes – no idea what his name was.  It started with a G.  Gavin, maybe?  He was cool at first, but then he turned against Radio Rebel…sort of.  Like, he knew it was Tara because of the dancing sandwich bit (yeah…), but he was still rude to her when she inadvertently caused the principal to cancel prom.

Principal – evil authority figure.  Can’t a movie ever have a cool principal?  I’m not inspired to write a movie where the principal is someone the students can really admire, someone who does good rather than being senselessly cruel/psychotic. 

On a side note, the actress who played Tara is Debby Reynolds.  I decided to watch her in the Disney show, Jessie, in which she is the star.  Wow, was that show bad.  However, I’ll save that rant for another day.

VIVA JACQUELINA! by L. A. Meyer

This is Book Ten. Click here for the Bradt Cousins' review of Book One.

Stephanie Bradt: Well here it is, the next chapter in the saga of Jacky Faber. While reading VIVA JACQUELINA, I decided to pay special attention to try to figure out exactly what pisses me off about the Bloody Jack series, and perhaps more importantly, why the hell I keep reading these books in spite of being pissed off. Alas, here are my findings:

First of all: a summary. (I cannot say “plot” summary because that is precisely what these books lack). Anyway, basically Jacky ends up in Spain as a spy for England as the fight against Napoleon drags on. Napoleon’s brother, Joseph, has been crowned King of Spain and naturally, the locals are pissed. In the meantime, Jacky runs with the bulls, models for Goya (of course), and gets caught up in the Inquisition. She also hangs out with some gypsies.

Things that irk me:

-L.A. Meyer always has Jacky refer to her various body parts in the third person; ie. “the Faber bottom,” “the Faber neck,” “the Faber eyebrows,” etc. I should have kept track of them. I know I counted at least 5 different phrases like this. It is stupid and annoying and it gets old.

-THE STORY NEVER GOES ANYWHERE! STILL! There are like 15 different pointless little novellas in each book, and this one is no different. So many things happen that are never addressed again. When reading, the entire time I am asking myself in the back of my mind if this is the part of the story that is actually going to have a point this time. It never does. Characters come and go and no one is connected to anyone. I realize this is also why I find it difficult to pick up and read the book again after taking a break—I have to refresh my memory as to what is going on in the story, which is difficult to do when there is no story of which to speak.

-Once again, the predictable “plot” point from every book: All human beings with a Y chromosome go bat-shit crazy over Jacky and cannot control their manly urges. I don’t know what annoys me more about this—that I doubt that Jacky is that hot, or that virtually every male character in Meyer’s books is either a horny pig, a dumbass, or both.

-L.A. Meyer never ceases to amaze me with what he can get away with writing in these books. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I enjoy them. However, I will keep this in the “Don’t-Like” category for one reason: Not only is VIVA JACQUELINA, like, the fourth book of the series to mention Jacky’s “maidenhair,” but the Faber Maidenhair actually plays a fairly significant role in one of the storylines! Ew! Mr. Meyer, I do not care to know about Jacky’s maidenhair! WTF?!

Here is why I think I still read these books in spite of all the bullshit: 

-Like I stated before, the books contain these non-YA themes that I enjoy, but then I hypocritically complain about. (But no, the maidenhair-- I have never enjoyed that).

-I just really like all of the historical references. I also realize that this is the reason there is no plot—Meyer arbitrarily places Jacky in various non-related situations just so that she can meet famous people such as Goya and King Joseph Bonaparte. The history major in me rejoices at this. I really do learn from these books and some things even stir my interest and I go look online to learn more. POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT: Let’s just say that Goya’s real life distinction of being the first artist to depict pubic hair in a Western portrait is not a coincidence. You’ve been warned.

This book's featured side in Jacky’s love dodecagon: Amadeo, a Spanish kid and fellow student of Goya.
My favorite new character: Ugh, do I have to choose? What if I hate/am indifferent toward them all? Alas, I will have to go with Cesar. In typical L. A. Meyer fashion, Cesar is a young adolescent who beside himself with his hormonally-charged pining for Jacky Faber. He passes out when he gets a glimpse of our heroine in the buff.

JUST AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER

Jordan Bradt: Yeah, yeah – you know how we are with Judy Blume books.  This one, by far, is my least favorite.  The others I could read again, if only to poke fun at them.  I could barely stomach this particular novel.  It wasn’t disgusting, if that’s what you’re thinking.  I was nauseated.  Instead, I was overcome by a sudden case of ADD during chapter one.  It lasted through the entire 296 pages.  I had to literally force myself to keep reading.  My mind wandered to hundreds of different things, some as mundane as my leg itching.  Every few chapters, I had to walk around just to help concentrate.  Why did I even need to concentrate, though?  NOTHING HAPPENED.  The book was a waste of time; too much time, since it took me a few hours.  I could have read it faster if I could focus better.  I understand people now when they tell me they hate reading.  If this was assigned to me at an early age, I would hate reading too.   

So, the book is called JUST AS LONG AS WE’RE TOGETHER.  I had hoped for some potential.  The reviews on the back cover raved about it, and if nothing else, I looked forward to WTF moments and dated references.  The book was written in 1987, the year before I was born.  The most dated thing was that the main character, Stephanie, had a poster of young Richard Gere on her ceiling (maybe so she could masturbate before bed.  Yes, that was hinted at). 

There are three main characters.  I will call them Girl A, B, and C because they are EXACTLY ALIKE.  Judy Blume, once again, missed great opportunities to embellish her characters:  Girl A has to deal with her parents’ separation, Girl B is embarrassed by her high intelligence, Girl C is adopted.  Great areas for development, right?  Well, too bad.  They are glossed over, leaving the characters empty and alike.  Within the first chapter, I hated them.  In the entire book, I couldn’t find a single character I didn’t loathe.  Yes, loathe.  The emotion was that strong.

I’m not too sure what the book is about, because there are all these little areas, but Judy Blume brushes right past them.  Events either happen within a few sentences or we are told about them happening in the past.  As soon as we start to get involved in something, everything changes, and we have to get involved in something else, only to have that ripped away too.  Talk about frustrating.  Those girls are friends, then they aren’t, and go through some stuff, the end.  Honestly, I skimmed from page 255 onward because I couldn’t take the drivel anymore.  I DIDN’T CARE.  I just wanted them to hide within the beaten up pages of the used paperback and stay there so I wouldn’t have to suffer through them any longer.

I must say a few things about WTF moments.  Sadly, this book didn’t have any.  If it had, I might have been partly entertained.  The closest it came to WTF was discussing sex, but even then, it wasn’t WTF enough.  Like, having a seventh grader say if a guy has hairy legs, it means he’s sexually experienced, really doesn’t have any “wow” factor to it.  Sex was discussed way too much for a book geared at eight to twelve year olds.  Eight year olds should still be dressing American Girl dolls, not wondering which of their friends have had sex.  I’m not in denial – I know sex does happen to children sometimes.  It is one thing to deter and give facts to children about sexual intercourse.  It is another thing to just keep discussing sex so that it sounds exciting and taboo.  A great example of the latter is this book. 

I guess I’m done with this review.  It pains me to recap even that much.  

SUMMER SISTERS

Jordan Bradt: Ah, Judy Blume.  SUMMER SISTERS, another book purchased in the used bookroom of the public library.  They have such treasures…and such crap; however, yes, we were excited to find this.  It’s not a treasure by any means.  It is crap.  I expected the usual Judy Blume trash from it, but since it is an adult book, I also expected a little something more.  Yeah, no.  As a note, I felt depressed by the time I finished reading it. 

Flat characters.  They all blended together.  The moms, the dads, the random characters, the boys, the girls.  They don’t even stand out by their gender roles.  If you described them by any other characteristics other than gender, they are THE EXACT SAME PEOPLE.  I even had trouble keeping the two main characters straight in my mind.  Plus, every character was shallow.  They ruined other people’s lives.  They messed up their own.  All around, it is a depressing read.  The characters didn’t even learn or develop.  They stayed two-dimensional throughout the entire 300+ pages.  The story even jumps between perspectives (constantly, in every chapter), but we still don’t get to know them any better.

No plot.  The point of the story is…friendship?  Maybe?  Victoria (Vix) and Caitlin are friends.  Sort of.  They aren’t healthy for each other.  During the summers, Victoria went to Martha’s Vineyard with Caitlin.  Caitlin’s dad lived there.  They slowly grew up (the first summer occurred in 1977 when they were 12-years-old). 

Horrible mother.  Victoria’s mother is another classic mother who doesn’t understands, expects the daughter to take care of the household, yells a lot, and is extremely selfish.  Caitlin’s mother is the classic only-cares-about-herself figure.  Maybe I can’t connect because I have a wonderful mother, but each time I read about these dreadful Judy Blume mothers, I get further turned off from the story.  I look forward to finally finding a Judy Blume book with an awesome mother-figure.  Will it happen?  Probably not, but maybe.  This certainly wasn’t that book. 

Creepy brother.  Caitlin has an old brother.  They call him Sharkey.  He makes a motor-like hum when he eats.  Nobody cares about him.  He’s such a messed up person.  Despite that, he has no redeeming characteristics so you don’t even feel sorry for him.  Oh yeah, and he wants to have sex with Caitlin and Victoria. 

Parents have sex.  Ew.  Just, ew.  

Random WTF moments.  Caitlin’s dad, known as Lamb, takes them to a nude beach, where Lamb’s sort-of girlfriend Trisha strips down and shows off her waffle-like nipples.  The girls decide to babysit for a movie star and he comes onto Caitlin; he even drives them to a secluded beach at night to warn them about guys.  Abby gets Victoria a scholarship to a private school, where she gets a urinary tract infection; Caitlin was ignoring her, but suddenly she’s nice again.  Lamb’s sister with the forgettable name wants to have sex with Caitlin’s crush, but decides to use her magic pole instead; yes, her “magic pole,” as if she’s 10.  They know when you’ve had sex because of pubic hairs under the blankets; WHAT?!  At the end, Caitlin disappears so they assume she’s dead; how is that even an ending?

Jewish character.  Lamb married a woman named Abby.  She is Jewish.  They needlessly mention that a lot, especially Lamb’s grandmother.  Out of everyone, she was my favorite, but I didn’t like her all that much.

Physical handicap.  Victoria has a brother with muscular dystrophy.  He was sort of cool, but we never got to see him much or learn about muscular dystrophy.  Then he died.  Suddenly.  Victoria went home to her family, was sad, and returned, all very rushed.  At the end, she names her son after him, but it isn’t an “aw” moment, just a haphazard mention.  The reader has to put the two names together and go, “Ohhh, in memory of the brother.” 

Weird grandmother.  Lamb grew up with his grandmother.  She’s rich.  She reads dirty books that the girls find.  She has like no role, other than to be controlling, but even then, she isn’t that controlling.  She’s just old.  I learned nothing from her and the richness felt very random.  Until she appeared, I thought that Lamb was poor.  I wasn’t like, “Oh, cool, he’s rich, I’m excited and happy for him.”  I was just, “WTF, new idea suddenly tossed in without editing the beginning?”

Awkward friendships.  Caitlin helps Victoria explore her sexuality.  Yes, as twelve-year-olds.  They orgasm together.  They call it the Power.  They count pubic hairs.  They bathe together. 

Growing up.  Victoria worries she will catch the Big Boob disease from Trisha.  Victoria gets her period and they walk a really long ways to buy pads to put in her pants (first of all, if you got your period and walked all that way, your pants would be soaked through.  Second, you put them in your undies, not your pants), then they hitchhike with some cute guys they sort-of know and Victoria worries they will see the bulge in her shorts.  (So, were they pants or shorts?)  I must have had an odd childhood.  I never worried about my breasts getting too big and I didn’t dwell on getting my period.  Wow, I was so weird.

The Countess.  Victoria’s mom works for a Countess.  In America.  Really?  The Countess visits Lamb and Lamb remembers when she sexually molested him when he was five-ish.  The Countess is randomly thrown in a few chapters later; another time when I think Judy thought up something to add and never edited the beginning to make it fit. 

Potential, thought-provoking themes.  Victoria loves Caitlin because she’s rich; she could have learned that money isn’t everything, but instead, she keeps loving Caitlin.  Caitlin loves Victoria because she’s like a toy; Victoria could have become her own person, but instead, she continued to be Caitlin’s toy.  Even at the end, she couldn’t stop thinking about Caitlin. 

Random sex.  Victoria and Caitlin.  Lamb and Trisha, Lamb and Abby (both eluded to, not described).  Victoria and Bru.  Caitlin and Von.  What might have been Caitlin, Victoria, Von, and Bru.  Caitlin and her ski instructor.  Caitlin and an older woman.  Caitlin and Bru.  Victoria and Gus.  Other people I don’t remember. 

Divorced parents.  I honestly thought Victoria’s parents were divorced at first.  Either I didn’t follow the story well enough, or it wasn’t clear.  Caitlin’s parents are, in fact, divorced.  Caitlin went with her mom. Her brother went with their dad. 

I read reviews on GoodReads.  People either loved this book because they could connect so well (I must be really weird.  I never wanted to have that kind of “friendship” with any of my female friends and my life never involved these crazy moments) or they hated it for many of the reasons I just pointed out.  My favorite was when someone said her writing style sounds as if she’s telling it to a child.  It does!  She talks down to her readers.  No, Judy.  You don’t want to tell little kids about two girls questioning if they are lesbians.  It scares me because a lot of this is probably reminiscent of Judy’s own life. 

One reviewer said he/she felt guilty for reading it.  I feel like I wasted time.  So, read or pass on it, but be prepared.  It’s just a longer version of Judy’s other work, but with supposedly older characters who all act as if they are in elementary school.